Letting The Plumber In
I’m in a rush. A big rush. In fact, I’m in such a rush that I really shouldn’t be writing this blog post at the moment. It’s definitely not a good use of my time, especially when I walk significantly slower when I’m typing on my phone. I should probably be running home at this point, rather than just walking. Why am I in a rush? Well, in just under five minutes, a plumber is coming to my house to deal with my blocked drains. Local to Fairfield, which is where I live, there has been a massive problem with blocked drains recently and unfortunately, I’m not immune toit. I wanted to get the problem fixed as soon as possible, which is why I accepted the first available appointment offered to me by the drain plumber. I probably shouldn’t have done that, seeing as I’ve put myself under such intense…
Hospital Bathtub Reinforcements
‘What’s going on?’ Isabella asked, feeling the icy tension in the hospital room. She placed a lovely bouquet of flowers on my table, and leaned in to give me a hesitant kiss on the cheek. ‘Mum is refusing to let us modify her bath so she doesn’t hurt herself,’ my oldest son, John said, as way of greeting. ‘Say hello to your sister,’ I scowled at him. ‘I raised you better than that.’ He raised a hand in a half-hearted wave, and she returned it with a smile. ‘Been here long?’ she asked him. ‘About five minutes,’ he sighed, and she laughed. ‘I’m here too!’ Anthony, my youngest, grinned, pushing himself through the door. ‘Parking is a nightmare here.’ ‘You didn’t pay for parking?!’ I said, mortified. ‘God, for me? This is ridiculous. All of you, head home now. You have lives and families to worry about.’ ‘We’re here for…
Window Tinting Escape
I glowered in the darkness of my corner office, rhythmically stabbing a pen into the soft leather that cushioned my desk. ‘Boss!’ my top lawyer called, darting into my office and nearly blinding me with the harsh light of the office as he swung open the door. ‘Close it!’ I growled, but he’d already seen the rage on my face and had begun to swing it shut behind him. ‘What do you want?’ ‘The McIntyre deposition—’ he started to say. ‘Do not mention the goddamned McIntyre deposition to me right now,’ I roared, ‘unless you want to meet the wrong end of my second-favourite letter opener.’ He visibly gulped, and feigned swiping his hair back into place to hide that he was wiping sweat from his brow. ‘It’s just, we need—’ I made a show of reaching for my drawer, and pulling out the aforementioned letter opener. ‘These windows have…
Return to Hardware
“Oh heavens, that was the most awful thing I have ever experienced,” said Harvey. “I could just feel myself cease to exist for perhaps about 35 minutes. Okay, Narrator, you win!” “What are you talking about?” snarled Bucket. “That was just a bluff to get us to stand down. I told you, the narrator needs us more than we need them!” Unfortunately for Bucket, that was completely untrue. The narrator had been doing this for a very long time now – they had even written an entire novel by stringing short stories together and were halfway through a second one already. If Harvey and Bucket didn’t want to cooperate, their story would be scrapped in a heartbeat, and the narrator would simply return to telling the story of Dirk, Mavis, Lorenzo and others. “Ah,” Bucket said, as if it could hear the narrator’s very narration, even though that was supposed…
The Nature of Building
When Harvey finally managed to get over his existential crisis, he sat up and looked to the sky, although that was not necessarily where the voice of the all-powerful narrator was coming from. He had just found out that his unhealthy rivalry with professional house building companies was the result of the narrator just doing their job, and he had a few questions about the nature of his existence as a result. “Why me, though?” Harvey asked of the narrator. “My life is completely boring. Every day, I get up, go to work renting out beach shacks in Dromana, then come home and be jealous of the luxury builders near me. Surely that’s not worth a story.” The narrator decided that honesty would indeed continue to be the best policy. They would have to be quite vague, though, otherwise the bosses – or worse, the algorithms – might be displeased.…
Imagining Myself Gardening
Will I ever feel comfortable and go back to a state of zen again? I don’t think that I will – and that’s really sad. Because I need to be in a state of zen to be happy and I need to be happy to function properly. It’s just an unfortunate cycle at the moment and because of this, I’m not working (or doing the things I love) efficiently in the slightest. I just wish that I could run away from all my responsibilities, buy salad and vegetable seeds online and then never come back to civilisation. I could start my own farm and grow my own produce. I would never have to come back to normal society again and that would save me so much stress. All of my stress comes from the rigours of modern society. All I want to do is be outside in my garden tending…
More Than Socks
I rolled out a crick in my ankle – my ankle! – as I hobbled up the streets, grimacing at the momentary stab of pain in my new bones. The bottom of my feet were beginning to hurt too, first from the rough texture of the gravel and then very quickly by the hot sun, heating the road as I walked. ‘These really aren’t all they were cracked up to be,’ I frowned, resting against a strange metal post and lifting my leg to inspect the soles. They were red and angry, peppered with little brown and grey rocks that I’d picked up in my pilgrimage. I sighed, gently letting my foot rest back onto the ground and looking up at my surroundings. I still had no idea if I was anywhere near the best podiatrist in the Cheltenham area, and the few locals I’d spotted had quickly turned away…
Dreaming About A Conveyancer
Working in the restaurant next to the conveyancer has always been an interesting experience. I see so many different people from all walks of life go into that conveyancer looking stressed and unsure. I watch the same people leave approximately an hour later looking more self-assured and confident than anyone else in the world. I’ve heard countless stories about the property conveyancing experts in the store next to mine. Apparently, they completely change your life. They help all different kinds of people buy their dream homes and help other people sell theirs. They empower people by handling all the legal documents and confusing stuff for them. It takes a lot of stress off of the average person and I can see how much of a positive impact that has on people. Although I’ve never had the opportunity to go into the property conveyancers’ office and discuss my house dreams with…
Shoulder Replacement Distraction
Well, I’ll be! What a week I’ve had! It started with me taking a small tumble in the backyard – don’t listen to my Emma if she ever tells you vegetables are good for you! I tripped over our crop of carrots and went smack, straight into the dirt! I’ve never been so embarrassed! Luckily I was able to get myself inside and to a doctor, but he told me that I might be better off seeing a shoulder injury specialist near Melbourne (although he didn’t recommend one specifically – apparently the shoulder specialists near Melbourne are just better?). Oh, he was so kind though, Doctor Martine. He has a real knack for making you relax and not worry about the blinding pain shooting through your arm. I still had all these questions he wasn’t able to answer for me because our time ran out. So there I am, on…
Gas Heating Reveal
The guard to my left flew at me, slashing downwards with his sword. I shifted delicately to the side, letting him pass by me like so much wind. My knee cracked out as his sword bounced off the cobblestones and his balance faltered, knocking him onto the ground with barely any effort. His compatriot behind me snarled and swung viciously. I quickly assessed the movement, ducking under the steel and pushing it away from me with the palm of my hand. The man looked shocked at my superhuman speed, his eyes widening as I dropped to the ground, sweeping his legs out from underneath him and sending his helmet cracking against the stone. He groaned and stayed down. The other two guards eyed me warily, tightening their grips on their sword hilts. ‘You can just go,’ I said, calmly. ‘Nobody needs to know about me.’ ‘We can’t let you!’ one…