The Tattooed Shakedown
I sat in the café, nestled in my headphones watching the world swing past around me. I shook my head politely at a waitress wandering over to me, and she acknowledged with a smile, quickly pivoting into a new direction. I jumped as the headphones were ripped off my ears, and the sound of the city rushed back in, busy in my ears. ‘What the hell?’ I growled, spinning in my seat to look up at whoever had taken them. ‘Where’s my money?’ the heavily-tattooed man growled above me. I snatched the headphones off him and folded them up, scowling. ‘I told you, it’s on its way.’ ‘That’s not good enough anymore,’ he said, dropping heavily into the seat across from me. ‘Please,’ I gestured sarcastically for him to join me. ‘Can I get you a coffee? Croissant?’ ‘I’d rather my money,’ he said, the tribal tattoo that curled around…
Buying House Frustration
‘How many times do we have to do this?’ I sighed, fighting the urge to toss my auction paddle onto the road. Instead, I squeezed it, tightly – so tight my wife had to almost wrench it from my grip to give it to the real estate agent wandering around the throng of disappointed would-be buyers. ‘As many times as it takes,’ she sighed, patting me on the arm and leading me gently back to our car. ‘I feel like we’re playing a rigged game,’ I stewed. ‘That house was perfect for us.’ ‘Maybe,’ she said, amicable as ever. ‘But I bet it was perfect for them too. Hopefully they enjoy it, as much as we were going to.’ We turned back and looked at the two middle-aged bald men in suits who had won the auction with an outrageous bid well above asking price. ‘Yeah, I’m sure the multinational…
Letting The Plumber In
I’m in a rush. A big rush. In fact, I’m in such a rush that I really shouldn’t be writing this blog post at the moment. It’s definitely not a good use of my time, especially when I walk significantly slower when I’m typing on my phone. I should probably be running home at this point, rather than just walking. Why am I in a rush? Well, in just under five minutes, a plumber is coming to my house to deal with my blocked drains. Local to Fairfield, which is where I live, there has been a massive problem with blocked drains recently and unfortunately, I’m not immune toit. I wanted to get the problem fixed as soon as possible, which is why I accepted the first available appointment offered to me by the drain plumber. I probably shouldn’t have done that, seeing as I’ve put myself under such intense…
Hospital Bathtub Reinforcements
‘What’s going on?’ Isabella asked, feeling the icy tension in the hospital room. She placed a lovely bouquet of flowers on my table, and leaned in to give me a hesitant kiss on the cheek. ‘Mum is refusing to let us modify her bath so she doesn’t hurt herself,’ my oldest son, John said, as way of greeting. ‘Say hello to your sister,’ I scowled at him. ‘I raised you better than that.’ He raised a hand in a half-hearted wave, and she returned it with a smile. ‘Been here long?’ she asked him. ‘About five minutes,’ he sighed, and she laughed. ‘I’m here too!’ Anthony, my youngest, grinned, pushing himself through the door. ‘Parking is a nightmare here.’ ‘You didn’t pay for parking?!’ I said, mortified. ‘God, for me? This is ridiculous. All of you, head home now. You have lives and families to worry about.’ ‘We’re here for…
Window Tinting Escape
I glowered in the darkness of my corner office, rhythmically stabbing a pen into the soft leather that cushioned my desk. ‘Boss!’ my top lawyer called, darting into my office and nearly blinding me with the harsh light of the office as he swung open the door. ‘Close it!’ I growled, but he’d already seen the rage on my face and had begun to swing it shut behind him. ‘What do you want?’ ‘The McIntyre deposition—’ he started to say. ‘Do not mention the goddamned McIntyre deposition to me right now,’ I roared, ‘unless you want to meet the wrong end of my second-favourite letter opener.’ He visibly gulped, and feigned swiping his hair back into place to hide that he was wiping sweat from his brow. ‘It’s just, we need—’ I made a show of reaching for my drawer, and pulling out the aforementioned letter opener. ‘These windows have…
Return to Hardware
“Oh heavens, that was the most awful thing I have ever experienced,” said Harvey. “I could just feel myself cease to exist for perhaps about 35 minutes. Okay, Narrator, you win!” “What are you talking about?” snarled Bucket. “That was just a bluff to get us to stand down. I told you, the narrator needs us more than we need them!” Unfortunately for Bucket, that was completely untrue. The narrator had been doing this for a very long time now – they had even written an entire novel by stringing short stories together and were halfway through a second one already. If Harvey and Bucket didn’t want to cooperate, their story would be scrapped in a heartbeat, and the narrator would simply return to telling the story of Dirk, Mavis, Lorenzo and others. “Ah,” Bucket said, as if it could hear the narrator’s very narration, even though that was supposed…
The Nature of Building
When Harvey finally managed to get over his existential crisis, he sat up and looked to the sky, although that was not necessarily where the voice of the all-powerful narrator was coming from. He had just found out that his unhealthy rivalry with professional house building companies was the result of the narrator just doing their job, and he had a few questions about the nature of his existence as a result. “Why me, though?” Harvey asked of the narrator. “My life is completely boring. Every day, I get up, go to work renting out beach shacks in Dromana, then come home and be jealous of the luxury builders near me. Surely that’s not worth a story.” The narrator decided that honesty would indeed continue to be the best policy. They would have to be quite vague, though, otherwise the bosses – or worse, the algorithms – might be displeased.…
Imagining Myself Gardening
Will I ever feel comfortable and go back to a state of zen again? I don’t think that I will – and that’s really sad. Because I need to be in a state of zen to be happy and I need to be happy to function properly. It’s just an unfortunate cycle at the moment and because of this, I’m not working (or doing the things I love) efficiently in the slightest. I just wish that I could run away from all my responsibilities, buy salad and vegetable seeds online and then never come back to civilisation. I could start my own farm and grow my own produce. I would never have to come back to normal society again and that would save me so much stress. All of my stress comes from the rigours of modern society. All I want to do is be outside in my garden tending…
More Than Socks
I rolled out a crick in my ankle – my ankle! – as I hobbled up the streets, grimacing at the momentary stab of pain in my new bones. The bottom of my feet were beginning to hurt too, first from the rough texture of the gravel and then very quickly by the hot sun, heating the road as I walked. ‘These really aren’t all they were cracked up to be,’ I frowned, resting against a strange metal post and lifting my leg to inspect the soles. They were red and angry, peppered with little brown and grey rocks that I’d picked up in my pilgrimage. I sighed, gently letting my foot rest back onto the ground and looking up at my surroundings. I still had no idea if I was anywhere near the best podiatrist in the Cheltenham area, and the few locals I’d spotted had quickly turned away…
Dreaming About A Conveyancer
Working in the restaurant next to the conveyancer has always been an interesting experience. I see so many different people from all walks of life go into that conveyancer looking stressed and unsure. I watch the same people leave approximately an hour later looking more self-assured and confident than anyone else in the world. I’ve heard countless stories about the property conveyancing experts in the store next to mine. Apparently, they completely change your life. They help all different kinds of people buy their dream homes and help other people sell theirs. They empower people by handling all the legal documents and confusing stuff for them. It takes a lot of stress off of the average person and I can see how much of a positive impact that has on people. Although I’ve never had the opportunity to go into the property conveyancers’ office and discuss my house dreams with…